#im always thinking about that damn heart
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There’s so many layers to Sejanus being devastated by Marcus’s fate. He hates how the districts are treated by the Capitol, hates the cruelty of the Hunger Games, he feels the same emotional pain he would have felt being a tribute himself, if not even more, having to watch completely safe from afar, unable to do anything to put an end to the senseless slaughter, while guilt gnaws at him for not risking getting picked to participate himself, for having escaped. No innocent child deserves that, and it gets even worse when one of the children picked is someone he personally knows, someone he used to share a routine with, someone he used to spend hours alongside in a classroom.
And that child isn’t just someone, that child is Marcus, the kind boy who, while not even being his friend, went out of his way to help him when he got hurt, completely unprompted, just out of the goodness of his heart. That boy is a testament to what Sejanus already knows, that everyone seems to keep forgetting, which is that humanity at its core is and can be better than how it’s currently behaving. Not to mention how that was probably the last time Sejanus ever experienced an act of such pure, unconditional kindness. And that simple gesture was so impactful on him, it was enough to cement Marcus’s presence in his heart for all those years and then the rest of his life, and it no doubt helped shape Sejanus into the person he became. Someone as good as Marcus shouldn’t be going through all of that, and it drives Sejanus crazy. If the Hunger Games were too much for him to handle before, now that Marcus is involved, they're unbearable.
But there’s more to Marcus. He is also a safe memory to Sejanus, one who undoubtedly often comforted him when he was feeling at his worst. And he’s one of the main things Sejanus thinks about when he thinks of District 2, his home. Home, which despite the fact that he lived there during the war, despite all the suffering he witnessed, despite the reality of the current living conditions there, is still Sejanus’s happy, safe place; it’s the place he belongs to, the place that could fix almost everything for him. But he can never return there. It has to exist only as a memory, kept safely locked away and untouched in his mind and heart.
But when Marcus arrives in the Capitol, he brings his home with him too, he is the physical manifestation of it. Sejanus’s desperation doesn’t just stem from the fact that it’s Marcus, the innocent, kind-hearted boy, undeserving of such cruelty; but also from the fact that that’s his Marcus as well, the one whose existence is synonymous to his home, his sweet boy from his memories, his comfort. Marcus being there doesn’t only mean the pointless, unjust death of a good person, Marcus being there also means the death of Sejanus’s home, its image no longer far away, safe and untouched, kept only in his mind. Now it’s here and crumbling in front of his eyes. He already knew the reality of things, but it was just that: knowledge. Now he’s face to face with it, face to face with the fact that neither Marcus or his home are or will ever be safe. And, worst of all, he has no way to save them, or anyone else, he’s powerless and completely hopeless against the cruelty of the Capitol, against their fate; and now more than ever, since he’ll have to witness the death of the boy whose memory so often brought him hope before.
In the end all that’s left of both of them, for Sejanus, is a small chunk of marble, made from the same material as his District and carved into the shape of a heart, because that’s exactly where Sejanus’s own is: home with Marcus. We learn he has carried it to his new life in Twelve, immediately before we learn the only pictures he’s taken with him are of his family and his classmates in Two, of him, home for one the last times, standing with Marcus right behind him. That heart is the last physical object connected to Two and Marcus that he’ll have with him for the rest of his life, the last symbol of what he lost and will never get back, of what he couldn’t save or help. But it’s also the one object connected to them that he brought with him when he regained faith, when he felt like he could finally make a difference and actually help people in the districts; the last symbol that things could still get better and not all hope is lost.
For Sejanus Marcus is a kind and innocent kid; he’s the good in humanity; he’s a safe memory; he’s the marble heart because he is hope and comfort, and despair and helplessness, and home, and because he is deeply rooted in his own heart
#marble heart best character in the saga and it only appears very briefly twice#jokes aside its truly one of the most interesting elements in the book if not in the entire saga#this is my interpretation of only part of its meaning#im always thinking about that damn heart#also it took me days to write this cause i was never satisfied there was always more to say#(and bc im a perfectionist and kept rewriting each sentence but now i said whatever and just posted it)#everything about marcus and sejanus both separately and as a pair is SO interesting#such great characters and marcus isnt even around for that long#i love them so much#sejanus plinth#marcus tbosas#sejarcus#marble heart#gonna start tagging it every time i talk about it#ballad of songbirds and snakes
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i have GOT to stop drawing things for fics i haven't written yet
#qkdraws#id in alt#mob psycho 100#mob psycho#mp100#mp100 ritsu#ritsu kageyama#takenaka momozou#in general i think i'm pretty proud of this one#i was going for a very specific vibe and i'm not sure if i rly hit the mark but i got close i think#i love giving ritsu long as fuck hair. boy get u a brush and some scissors my god#goes against his generally put-together appearance in canon#in my heart he's a messy 13 year old with leaves in his hair and no brush to be seen in his bathroom. he doesn't own one.#he learns to be a little more Himself after s3 and he becomes a little less perfectly civil and a little more Wild#without the gang fights this time tho. character development#that's within ritsu standards ofc. he still says please and thank you and still sits w perfect posture at the dinner table#but if he comes home w mud in that stupid spiky cut uhm . let him live his life ? damn.#what was i talking about . ...oh right the tumblr post#if u ask me abt this fic i'll give u my entire collection of cool rocks. they're around here somewhere.some of them are sparkly#i like drawing takenaka i think his hair is fun#it's basically oot link hair and that's always cool#made it extra messy this time. to convey the Horrors#u have no idea the amount of restraint it took to NOT put ritsu in a hoodie here#im god's strongest soldier
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hhhhidea...,,,, CUTE idea (kinda?) dust reading to phantom papyrus during night to lull him to sleep,,,, but really its just a way for him to pretend that everythings not really that shit (as if phantom paps isn't just dust's denial incarnate) and to help him NOT wake up because of a nightmare again or something
(and just because i can't resist now im imagining this with mtt. not that dust stopped reading to paps in place of killer and horror (because he wouldnt he simply wouldn't) but now the two join them for storytime. horror knocks out pretty damn fast and eventually dust falls asleep too after he makes sure that paps is satisfied with the amount he read and then killer's just left to sit there. maybe he tries to fall asleep maybe he doesn't,,,, maybe he picks up the book and continues reading but EITHERWAY,,,,,, this scene in my head so 💥💥💥😇😇😇)
#sweet soft mtt taking OVER triglycercule's brain has been invaded with them.........#horror probably sleeps like a rock man. dust is a very very very light sleeper. killer doesn't sleep at all and when he does#its just like that half asleep state. better than nothing tho....... those weeks of not sleeping probably leads to the most delicious naps#now in an ideal world killer learns to get a proper sleep schedule even if he can't feel his exhaustion#however in MY mtt dominated world killer doesn't fix his sleep habits and instead just takes a shitton of naps everywhere#they killerfied the house (made everything softer to sleep on) and killer always has 2 walking pillows to sleep on#sure he might not get 8 hours of sleep like during night. but he got that over the day so its ok TRUSY#this surely wont have any bad side effects but whatever its the mtt since when do they care about PROPER habits. if it works it works#ik i aaaaalways say hrkl wouldn't like phantom paps and find it weird but also now im considering#like. them being jealous of dust for always having kinda papyrus with him#like damn..... horror fucked up his brother permanently. he will never get the old paps back#and killer doesnt want to see his papyrus again because then he thinks hell just ruin everything again#but dust gets to talk and laugh and joke with his paps all the time!!! he got it better than them and thats just cus he hallucinates!!!! wt#i mean phantom paps isnt a 1:1 version of papyrus but hes close enough in my eyes#another idea....... horror (and maybe killer if he warms up to it) hanging out with dust JUST to talk to phantom paps#dust could easily just lie about what phantom paps says (although unless he had a reason he wouldnt risk upsetting paps like that methinks)#but theres something there. something something toxic mttpoly dynamic or whatever idc man. im in the mood for FLUFF!!!!!!!!!!#i think it would be funny if phantom paps says dusts deepest thoughts about hrkl. and then if he wants to say it dust has to filter it a LO#they could be sitting near killer and phantom paps would provide a detailed description of why killer has the mannerisms of a cat#and then dust would (hesitantly) agree to everything paps said (he was thinking it too) but when killer looks back at him#(he's been staring at killer for the past 10 minutes to see if what paps said was right) dust just says like. you remind me of a cat#OR BETTER YET he doesn't wanna admit that he thought of that so he just says paps says you remind him of a cat#insert horror version of this moment here. and killer quickly realizes that dust's just using papyrus as an excuse for why he says stuff#like that sometimes. horror just thinks dust's a weirdo freak (but unlike killer he takes the little observations to heart. loser)#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#tricule hc
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yk, its weird being Way Too Aware & In Control of yourself bc technically i believe im having a panic attack. but somehow i am Very Unbothered by this, bc i know whats happening and its illogical. my body's having an overreaction and i couldn't be fucked to join in
#im sitting here casually looking up symptoms to make sure this is a Panic attack and not a Heart attack#got those heart palpies got that chest pain got that sense of Derealization got that shortness of breath#i even feel a lil faint! ive even got a hot flash goin on! tightness in the throat! the whole enchilada#and yet! im somehow vibing...#my body's throwing a fit smh calm down bro its not that bad...#maybe you'll calm down if i drink some water and eat some fruit <3#shoulda known this was coming... was lying awake at 4 am with really bad palpatations s. m. h.#honestly! this is very annoying!#my vision tried to tunnel exactly Once but i fought it off. idiot meatsuit....#breathing exercises and internal mantras babeyyyyyy i got this shit on Lock#oh! and look at that! my heart is finally chilling out#still gonna eat water and drink fruit#yall should do that too. at least the water part#go drink water! go! shoo!#hydrate or diedrate! always pick hydrate!#absolutely unprompted#alright well that was fun. only lasted for about *checks nonexistent watch* over an hour#i dont think ive had one that bad before! it really tried to Get Me!#had to fight off the deep sense of dread and rising panic with a mental broom!!#finishing my rebels rewatch helped but still. damn. these demons have hands#my brain: OH WE'RE DYING WE'RE DYING ITS A HEART ATTACK WE'RE GONNA DIE AND ROT FOR DAYS BEFORE OUR BODY IS FOUND OH GOD ITS HAPPENING#hard cut to me vibing with a martini.... wii music on blast... hawaiian shirt On and Unbuttoned...#anyway. drink some water. get some fruit. Thrive!
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I find it so ironically funny when hardcore Debbie defenders use the defense that she was just a victimised teenage girl (agreed) and then proceed to slander Fiona and express their hatred for her character and lack of sympathy
as if being an adult magically absolves an individual of the horrifying trauma that precedes them and screws up their mentality and actions
funnily enough these people get mad at others for "expecting Debbie to be an innocent angel and hating on her for acting out as a result of trauma" (also agreed, debbie does deserve more sympathy, she can't be expected to grow up to be a perfect saint when she's been through so much) yet seem to hold Fiona to the same unattainable standards and put her on a pedestal as if she wasnt a child that was forced to intensely grow up while never actually being raised
like lets put this into perspective and remember that fiona grew up surrounded by corrupt morals and insanely screwed up behaviour yet still emerged as messed up, yes, but surprisingly good considering the situation she was in??? she had to navigate basic things such as morals and being a good, responsible person on her own. imagine how difficult it must be to lead a bunch of kids, including yourself, with no previous role model or good example of your own to follow. most of the time, she always tried to do what she thought was best and would have the most desirable outcome
#listen a lot of the time debbie defenders make good points#is debbie my favourite? no but she does deserve more sympathy#im really unserious on here and ive made some dumb meaningless jokes but at the heart of it i have sympathy for debbie#so no its not the debbie defense i have an issue with#its the way these people claim to be#1 understanders of shameless women and their complexity#top defenders#including of the women who have said and done worse than/just as bad as fiona#and then proceed to spew all this vitriolic lack of sympathy regarding fionas character#they always talk about fiona making the choice to be their legal guardian#as if the situation wasnt complex and 1) she felt pushed into an inescapable corner#2) that doesnt change the fact that she'd have strong feelings about her baby sister choosing to have a whole baby???#she claimed legal guardianship over HER siblings she did not foresee any other children being added to the mix#so yes she went about it harshly at times when she made debbie raise franny independently#but its not surprising considering her exhausted life?? her history as a TEENAGE GIRL and CHILD of raising kids???#there are actual mothers who'd be worse about this situation and fiona wasnt trying to be nasty#it was tough love and it could've been shown in better ways#and im not putting all the blame on debbie cause she was so young and vulnerable#but at the end of the day she made a choice and fiona was trying to help her understand the importance of consequences to your choice#and navigating adulthood when you choose to behave like one#of course debbie was often put in situations where she felt like she had to be a grown up and that is not her fault#but its not fionas either. theyre all just trying to survive. and fiona tried her damn hardest to preserve debbies childhood#so how do you think she'll react realistically to the whiplash of debbie purposefully getting pregnant#ultimately theres a lot of complexity and flaws and nuance to these situations and i find it weird when people criticise#others for putting so much blame on debbie#and then do the same to fiona as if shes not a victimised product of her environment too#you can show sympathy to debbie while understanding Fiona too and being critical in a mature#nuanced way#im not being a hater to anyone btw im just sharing some thoughts and letting it out. all im saying is#most of the shameless women deserve sympathy and understanding and its strange to deny fiona of that
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😭 I can't tell if he reminds me of Gideon or Sophie all I know is that an artist finally CAPTURED the essence of Thomas, like you literally look at him and say "yeah, that's Thomas, Sophie and Gideon's son, because he screams Scone-boy and Scone-girl offspring😭😭😭😭
#Thomas lightwood#Thomas lightgod is more like it#I'm satisfied going into chot with a huge crush on thomas#i always fall for the gays damn it#my bestie calls it my reverse gay-dar#ITS NOT MY FAULT ALL STRAIGHT MEN ARE TRASH#I'm just looking out for myself#I look at thomas and think: there's someone who won't break my heart#alastair carstairs#Alastair is the real one#I would say he's lucky but he deserves to have thomas I guess#thomastair#that's enough I can't keep writing about my issues with falling for gay men#I think I need to go to a therapist#it's kinda getting out of hand#that's all im gonna say
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it is fascinating to me that the majority of people it seems have never considered that borders are just lines on a map? its just a piece of paper? not to have anarchic tendencies but like. it’s just words
#tried to type and retype this sentiment in prev but it kind of negates the premise of the post (which i agree with)#because like. yeah borders are just lines#but like re prev jannik IS italian since thats what he identifies with#even though people call him german/austrian because of his background#which is weird to say right? its weird. like idk man he plays for team italy sooo#so i didnt want to be like well borders are fake. true but not the point#and now unrelated to prev post but back to the topic of borders#they do fascinate me. guy who’s obsessed with colonial history#something i think about a lot is like. ppl r always talking about how tiny european countries are etc#and its like yeah. due to the diversity of ethnic groups in the continent (yeah yeah multiple cultures in a country too)#and then comparing that to north america like if we considered indigenous bands and nations in the same way its the same thing#but no one ever talks about it. like damn theres a great diversity of people groups worldwide and only europe gets to carve out areas#<- although like again. not that im pro ethnicstate or pro border but like theres a reason why europe is small and other countries arent#idk. i heart political science and history and anthropology and culture god bless
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it really means the world to me that little 12 year old daigo mentions that kiryu used to hang out with him a lot, meaning a teenage kiryu (and likely a teenage nishiki as well) basically babysat an even younger daigo on the reg for some amount of time. i wonder what shenanigans they got up to
#if im remembering correctly i think they said something about going to the arcade but yeah other than that#they’re so… different. I feel like kiryu would try to teach him a sport and daigo would fucking hate it#unless he could manage to change the rules around so that he can hit nishiki with the ball a bunch of times#and I mean it’s not like kiryu would be helping him with schoolwork#like let’s be real here#all jokes aside I imagine it really meant a lot to daigo to have someone treat him like a normal kid and encourage doing#stupid normal kid things instead of whatever his other caretakers had him doing#kiryu (especially at that point) is just a big child at heart in his own way- probably more than daigo was ever really allowed to be-#so it’d be a nice oasis from the cold strict monotony of daigo’s typical life.#that and kiryu (and probably even more so nishiki) is actually somewhat physically affectionate unlike probably anyone else in daigo’s life#and isn’t afraid to like. ruffle his hair or pat him a little too hard on the back or what have you#man those two have known each other basically their entire lives huh???#like damn it’s just now really hitting me that they’ve known each other like. at least 35-40 years?#could be longer depending on if kazama introduced them prior to kiryu becoming a yakuza and all that#kiryu’s just sort of been. always there in daigo’s life. that’s sorta wild#anyway time for me to stop talking#rambling#daigo#kiryu
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had an amazing interview yesterday.... was told I'd know by Monday.... but it's alleged they DRUG TEST and I just bought 6 packs of weed edibles 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#AND!!!!! AND!!!!!! IVE GOT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF FOR A SOLID WEEK!!!!!!!#i guess ill know monday if i can get high that night or tuesday but like.... i want to have one now lmao#like.... the paper i signed was more worried about being drunk on the jo#and OBVIOUSLY i wouldnt show up to my folder customer service job high off my ass..... but that thc can stay in your system for awhilw#i had one last nigbt tk celebrate the interview so idk if im even in the clear to begin with#and like.... i told them my start date would ve the 20th & im out of town vefore that so the goal is like.... they go to achedule#and we have to schedule it way out so i have time to like.....not worry & get my pee clean#like.... it wouldnt matter so much if my parents werent LEAVING this E N T I R E week... like.... this is MY vacatioj too!!!!!#and i just bought it after a horrid week 😭😭😭😭😭 worked my ass of it for it in order to relax this week#like#i know i shouldnt be dependent on it and im really trying not to ve#but the anti-anxiety relaxing of it all helps so much#and im reeeeeally not the biggest fan of drinking....i pee too much 😭😭😭😭😭 ironically 😭😭😭😭😭😭#like.... at this point.... its like..... do i care about getting this job more than i care about letting my brain and body relax this week#i always put myself first & listen to my heart & soul to dictate what to do#but my mind just keeps thinking about getting that failed drug test back and going back to the job hunt#but im still IN the job hi t#*hunt#AND HERES THE THING!!!! walking around that damn office.... seeing what people were wearing.....#its professional but i know damn well theres people in there smoking weed#like.... 25 of the 50 employees i saw showed up in casual loungepants these people are not prestigious#and like.... the paper i signed.... they didnt even edit to include the company name????#it kept saying “the Company will not like you to drink on the clock and assumes you will not get behind company vechiles drunk either”#like.... tooooootally understandable i just wanna eat some edibles before im an official employee of your folder business my loves#let me have a 50mg and zone out for the night while im finally free from all these losers..... PLEASE#anyways......personal problems that my brain needs to expel so it doesnt tumble all around for the next few houes#WHILE I DOORDASH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuck me#like..... i got this interview through indeed ill just keep going till i cant if it fails
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woagh 2 posts in one day
#sketch#listen your honor i love him#im unsure if i wanna tag yosuke in this bc theyre like 15 min sketches so i think imma leave it like this and let the lord decide#i know hes not a like the fan fave in persona but somehow the trash boy has grown on me and is now like top 4 for the whole damn franchise#like mold or smth#you just gotta like reimagine him as a very tired repressed bi 16 yr old in a closet made of glass and he immediately becomes more likeable#like bro he works retail and is 16 thats why hes like that#also like the scene from the group date in pq where he goes “all right now we can be partners for all eternity!!!!”#that lives in my head rent free#listen he lives with teddie and works retail#as someone who also worked retail i promise you most of his not kanji related outbursts are justified#the kanji stuff is bad fr fr but like hes also 16 in 2011#let the 1st 16yr old who was not an asshole and uninformed cast the first stone#sorry i have a lot of feelings for 1 yosuke hanamura and i needed to tell all of you in this my diary#which reminds me#most of yall came from me posting about dr which ndrv3 has a very special place in my heart and on my walls#but alas p4 kicked saihara to the curb so idk if ill be making anymore??????? maybe i might in the future but idk im old and tired#and dr is and always will be full of 13 yr olds which is fine but i dont wanna interact with them bc im old#and tired of the same discourse every 6 months#maybe when the not actually but totally is dr4 that kodaka is cooking up drops ill make dr art again but unlikely for rn#once i figure out how p4 protag chan's bowl cut works ill draw boys kissing#i do need to figure out how to draw boys kissing#since it will also lead to figuring out how to draw girls kissing which is almost dare i say more important#anywho thank you for coming to my newest diary entry#i will never stop yapping in the tags#this is a promise#yall gotta know all my thoughts in as many characters and tags tumblr will let me have
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I literally had a dream about reading the worst fan fiction like fucking ever kiryu was just randomly a yandere and nishiki was trying his best to survive also kiryu turned into a dragon (deez nuts) halfway and let nishiki kill him for being a bad boy but he was so upset about having to kill his bro that he just lay in the corpse for a bit and thats when i decided to stop reading and i literally opened tumblr in my dream to complain about how bad it was like the writing went back and forth from being terrible to incredible and i found myself enjoying some parts and despising others. I skipped the first few chapters so i had to tab back out and read the summary like why are they in a beach resort and the summary didnt just tell me nothing but it was also double spaced between each line and very fucking irritating and while reading it i kept thinking this is extremely ooc and boring like they would not fucking say that
#Listen to my problems#i cant stress enough that i dont even ship them why did i read a sex fic about kiryu and nishikiyamer#like i believe they are the bestest of friends forever and ever and like as hotblooded young men growing up together they must have tried a#few sex moves on each other at least once but i dont think they see each other as romantic prospects. like unlike majima and saejima#(seajima) who are literally together all the time and will never travel anywhere without the other unless its to prison. kiryu and nishiki#have this understanding that eventually theyll have to part ways and find their own path. while they would always remain in each others#hearts and thoughts they knew that they couldnt be holding hands forever and besides they have to focus on getting kazama to the top not#each other !! so nishiki was very happy that kiryu was getting his own family soon even if it meant that kiryu was getting ‘ahead’ of him#and kiryu who can accept consequences for himself but no one else was just like um ... well nishiki please give me the gun and take yumi#your sister needs you or whatever <3 i am definitely expendble and prison life is for me yayy yayyyy i love going to jail so nobody can talk#to me ever again. i keep asking myself how difficult it would have been for kiryu to just pop in by the hospital every now and then to check#in on nishikis sister. its not like he cant take care of her. its not like he doesnt know how to earn money. he just straight up thinks that#nishiki is better than him so he should be the one to get locked up ... because nishiki can take care of yumi and i straigh up forgot his si#sisters name and reina and kazama without him. and nishikis like damn i wish kiryu was here so bad (looks at his wwkd bracelet) hm think ill#go insane. i literally forgot what my original point was but that fic was so bad guys im so glad it doesnt exist#in it kiryu was trying his best to keep nishiki in one place and he kept being very. well kiryu was just kiryu but he kept apologising#saying things like you cant leave yet ... and looking at him with his big sad eyes and nishiki would always be like f-fine ... (he doesnt#like it here) also nishiki was one hell of a princess type and had a nurse costume on at some point which means the yakuza server nishiki#propoganda is working on me. very weird. love the part when kiryu was randomly a big dragon because he utterly filled the hallways of their#little beach shack and his scales were nice and soft and he was lovely. little guy
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I'm almost 60 hours into tales of arise and I'm realizing that endgame is. Not that far away, honestly
How am I supposed to go through with this 😭😭😭😭😭 I don't want it to end
#speculation nation#i use fandom to cope with my fav things being over#but i cant do that if there's barely any fandom 😭😭😭😭#& yea i can always make things myself#and believe me im fuckin thinking about it#it's just like. i met Dohalim a *week* ago and it's been a blissful week#but it has to end at some point. and Soon if i keep up the pace ive had#60 hours in a week and a half god Damn#my brain chemistry has been permanently changed by this game and more specifically this character#i wanna explore many more maps of wildlands and jump off waterfalls to make my friends scream#genuinely. i might end up just doing a NG+ or smth bc there is still so much more i want to do#im level 44 now. those temple things are level 60 ish. past that... idk.#i wish there was more story through all the different areas. so i wouldnt just go through a place then be done with it.#i know it's a story of liberation. we're on a war path & we're taking it right to the heart.#but. but i want to see more of them all 😭 i miss them already and im not even done with them.#i need to not drop the game completely (as ive done b4 when not wanting a game to end...) but hfkshfjd#i still have a lot left to do for the training grounds too..... hfbjdhdkdbfkd#i want them to plop another 15 giant enemies down in front of me. PLEASE#ive already killed like 15 lol and i love how much stronger it makes me.#i looooooove big enemy hunting for Real#from what i know there are only 4 ish left. just bc they were too strong for me at the time.#& yea i was contemplating continuing my replay of xillia and xillia 2 but FUCK the environment of arise is just so so good#it's so BEAUTIFUL like everywhere you go. none of the other tales games compare tbh#and of course. dohalim. none of the other games have dohalim in them.#oh the grief of blazing through something way too fast 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i shouldve stopped to smell the roses...#i think im going to do that with my next game tho. which yea im like very much gonna play another game i think.#i cant just leave it at this. no way. not after only a WEEK#tho i'll chill it some on my replay lol. no need to blaze thru it the 2nd time. which hopefully will free my brain for other things#namely. writing lol. we'll see...
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when i'm eating dinner at the table peacefully and some bitchass keeps talking TALKING TALKING LIKE OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! is this what horror feels when killer keeps rambling at the dinner table without shutting the fuck up please sew your lips shut unanesthetized
#this is a bit on the ehhhh....... bit on the violent side triglycercule!#yeah i know :3#i have a lot of rage in my heart#dinner was RUINED actually (i simply left because i got too damn pissed)#SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!!!!! SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE STILL BE EMPTY BE FUCKING NOT ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#horror is always angry when i talk about him because he is how i get my anger out#TRUST 🤞#i have 3 moods and they are all represented by the murder time trio. which is not very good actually uh#i HATE HATE HAAAATE. when people keep on talking to me during dinner#leave me alone GAWWWWWDDDDD GOD stop INTERRUPTING my peaceful mindless task#when i EAT i want to EAT like a brainless cow nibbling on grass OK. LET ME BE CATTLE#dinner is frequently interrupted between those 3#dust has learned to eat food in a seperate room but not far enough that he cant hear what the other 2 r saying#horror still eats @ the table because it is the principle of food ok he wont have it tainted even if killer and dust are annoying#killer doesnt even eat the damn food (barely) but he just sits there because what else can he do#eat on the roof???? he already tried that it didn't do anything cool for him#i love that i actually got so genuinely mad and then when i went 2 my room i was like#wait! this is so mtt core! this is so them! and once again i remember what anger feels like so i can think about them!#when i feel negative emotions and i get to be like yeah.... yeah...... the murder time trio felt this one particularly well#its hard to get sad or angry now because when i do im just like wait wait how can i tie the trio into this#was crying then i remembered that dust felt grief too and now i know a part of him a little bit better now#was confused at other people's emotions and then i remembered oh shit killer strugles with this too! i know what he feels like a bit now!#triglycervule youre so funny and cool. why thank you. i have to go to spanish class now with only a half filled stomach#unsatisfied. unfulfilled. this is what horror feels but probably on a worse scale#tricule rant
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but i would give anything for just one day spent in the life i had when i was 15. it may not have been perfect but i felt like i belonged somewhere. and i didn't worry so goddamn much about the big picture
#sighhh i miss when my biggest worry was my crush liking me back#i was such a typical teenager in hindsight bc of that#it seems a lifetime ago but it was only 4 years#2 years since we broke up thats crazy. everything changed i built my own life from nothing#im a completely different person#figuratively and literally though i will not use that to excuse my past actions haha#discord was like my whole damn world my center of the universe talking to my friends on there the highlight of my day#we had plans we had goals we had all thse big ideas and things we could do in our free time#now we go days without really talking to each other#in 2020 i said 3 more years and then we meet irl now 2023 is over and i am sure i will never see you. i wouldnt want to see you#i guess adulthood caught up to all of us. okay. most of us#i am just so sentimental#things had purpose back then and i wasnt this afraid#and i loved them#and i had someone who loved me#its fucked up how you dont even realize it wont last forever until its over#i wish it had ended differently. the whole friend group.#sometimes i wish we wouldve stayed friends. but thats just hopeful thinking because in my heart i know there is no way#were too different and theyre too committed to fucking up everything they have always#it makes me sad. makes me think they truly dont feel like they deserve happiness. i am kind of that way too#but i dont complain about losing the people i push away. so thats how were different lol#and i also dont suibait my mentally ill followers every other day because of some drama that only 15 year olds care about#so in that regard thank fuck i grew up. but also. thinking of them reminds me of simpler times#when this petty shit mattered to me. it really doesnt matter to me anymore and i cant get myself to care about anything that happens online#maybe its time for me to leave the internet behind for good. i dont know what its doing for me anymore.#i dont have anything im excited about on my laptop anymore lmao i have to desperately cling for straws for things i could do#to avoid sleep and being alone with my thoughts
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god i love james wans movies, theyre so bad but so good
#like some of them are bad at being horror but good at being drama and im here for it#i have mixed feelings about the warrens irl but them in the movies 😭😭 i need a husband like that#i hate them they made me attracted to patrick wilson and thats not okay#but fuck by the third movie lorraine knowing him so well she keeps his heart medication in her locket😭😭😭#because he goes running without thought to save her even when she doesnt need saving#even when she CAN handle it herslef she never needs to push through the worry or fear#because he just always instantly there#but as for the annabelle movies i still think the real doll is creepier than the dead silence leftover prop BUT he or someone on his team#knows not only horror but ghosts#and its impressive to me all the things they split between annabelle and the nun/valak that are legitimate haunting experiences#its the room turning darker the longer you look into it amd the horned things smile#and the yellow eyes that they onlt gave to the nun#because i honestly believe that showing it in its true form with all of these traits would give it power#and like...release it#anyway the two movies i wanted to watch arent up for streaming ans im too lazy to get my laptop out for it#cause im actually maybe gonna play a game on it duh#but fuck i do think james wan doesnt pull punches with jumpscares while also creating compelling characters#especially if those characters are fully damned from the beginning#idk maybe i feel this way because of my paranormal experiences but i genuinely do like jumpscare horror when its done well#becayse his is#and also he know how just Bad malignant was and he did it anyway😭#annabell creation was the best by far tho horrorwise#plotwise i do love the conjuring 2 even though they werent involved with the enfield haunting#after their initial interview they werw told to fuck off by the family ans morris rosse was the main investigator#but valak was sexy and it was such a lovely portrayal of their relationship#tbh annabelle is good but it just makes me a little sad because she nearly loses her baby#that stuff kinda gets to me not as horror but as like a personal thing#ill still watch it tho im not a baby i can deal with that shit but just i know i probably cant have kids and wouldnt survive if i tried so#anyway james wan haters get fucked his movies are good when hes the one directing them
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it's a little past 1am, about an hour since the new f.eh update dropped.. my f.elix is already level 40 and I've gotten a good chunk of his forging bonds stuff!
f.elix, as always, is f.elix LMAAOO
#ash rambles 💚#i love him so much even after all these years#though i admit that sometimes i get a little insecure#he's always so.. intense. i love that about him it's what drew me to him. he wants to be the best and he's a damn good swordsman#sometimes i just wonder if he'd think I'm too soft and emotional. i also dont really have any big goals like he does#I'm like. the exact opposite of the kind of girl i think he'd want to be with..#ajdkahdjs sorry guys LMAO it's late#we've been together for like. 3+ years im pretty damn sure he doesnt hate me BAHAHAHAHA#but ahem. I'm so happy to see him again. he's so amazing and so handsome#many kisses for my f.elix!#heart-to-heart combat ⚔️
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